Eating disorders thrive in secrecy. They can make the afflicted person feel shameful and closed off from connections that used to make them feel safe. As a result, the person who is suffering finds solace and safety in the world of the disorder.

Meanwhile, friends and family of those suffering may not have any idea how bad the disorder actually is, may not feel comfortable broaching the subject with their loved one, or may have their own insecurities around food and body image that they fear might trigger both parties.

Whatever the relationship dynamic, eating disorders have the power to rock both strong and faulty foundations. As such, they should be approached and handled with care.

The goal of any interaction on the topic of eating disorders is to understand how each person feels and how they can support each other through the disorder, recovery, and beyond.

Communication

One of the foundational pillars of any type of relationship is communication. As hard as it may be to be honest with a loved one, it’s a lot harder to carry misconceptions, assumptions, and resentment about what another person may be thinking or feeling.

If you find yourself wanting to approach disordered eating with a loved one who you think may be struggling, try to come from a place of curiosity rather than blame. We may not internationally lead with the latter, but when speaking to someone in a delicate situation, expressing your concerns out of the blue may come off as accusatory or judgmental.

You may feel the desire to want to “fix” the problem, but eating disorders aren’t solved with simple fixes. They require the guidance and supervision of professionals—and heaps of time.

Remember to be patient. Just because your loved one doesn’t want to go into detail or resists even the most basic conversation now doesn’t mean they won’t want to open up at a later time.

Build a safe space for vulnerability

Communication can reach its fullest potential when both parties are able to get to a vulnerable place with each other.

Give your loved one time and space to share as much or as little as they want about what they’re going through. Allowing for silence is one technique you can use to let them work through thoughts and find the most comfortable way to express themselves.

Again, this may not be the most comfortable practice for some as many of us use sound and speech to fill what we consider to be empty, awkward space. This defense mechanism allows us to avoid the discomfort of just sitting and being, which in turn blocks vulnerability.

The next time you’re having a conversation with a loved one, try not to comment right after they finish speaking. See how the empty space makes you both feel. You might be surprised what comes to light.

Setting boundaries

Depending on the trajectory of your conversations with your loved one, you may find that they (or even you) feel the need to set boundaries.

Boundaries may change over time. As your loved one progresses in the recovery process, you may find they allow themselves more freedom for certain conversations or exposure to things they once feared.

As a loved one, your duty is to respect their boundaries. And if you’re someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, your role is to help your loved ones understand what’s helpful to your recovery and what’s not.

Challenges

While the above strategies sound nice in theory, not all conversations will go as smoothly as one might hope.

Difficult conversations are hard for a reason—they may elicit feelings of defensiveness, discomfort, anger, and sadness. For someone with an eating disorder, the ED acts as a shield from difficult emotions, and instead encourages the person to use other coping mechanisms to get through tough moments.

This is where patience comes back into play. Even if it the timing isn’t right, it doesn’t mean it never will be.

Examples of healthy communication

If you’re not quite sure how to start talking to your loved one about disordered eating behaviors, try gentle questions like:

• “How have you been feeling lately?”

If your loved one feels comfortable opening up about their thoughts and behaviors:

• Allow them to share as much or as little as they want.

• Helpful ways to reply:

  • “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

  • “I am here to listen if you want to share more today or another time.”

If you feel they are in a place where they need help but aren’t sure how to ask for it:

• “How can I/we support you?” or “What can we do to get you help?”

• Ask if there are any conversation topics, foods, activities, places, or anything else that might trigger them, and assure them you will be mindful of these when you spend time together.

Need more tips on what to say and what not to say? Click here.

Final advice for loved ones

One of the best things you can do for a loved one who engages in disordered eating is to educate yourself. Research the physical and mental effects of the disorder through trusted resources like the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), the Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC), or the Eating DIsorders Fountain (EDF). Some of these organizations even have support groups for family members.

And finally, remember that no one is at fault. Their intensely complex disorders. The cause is not always clear, but recovery is possible.