If 16-year-old Allie were writing this, she would tell you that she doesn’t care what people think. But she definitely did.

Now in my late 30s, I feel free to admit that I do care what people think about me but not nearly as much as I used to.

So what happened in the past 16 or so years to change this?

Why do I care about what people think of me?

Caring about what our closest friends and family think of us is perfectly natural. But when our self-consciousness starts to depend on the opinions of complete strangers, it may be something to explore. When I’m working myself up because of fear of what someone will think of me, I like to take a breath, pause, and ask myself questions like:

• What has this person done or said in past interactions that would lead me to believe they have a negative impression of me? How based on reality are these thoughts?

After running through these questions, I usually realize that the opinions of any given individual really aren’t about me, and they’re also not really any of my business. There is so much going on in the world and in the lives of these people—it seems somewhat narcissistic to think they’re collecting impressions to eventually rate me as a worthy human or a piece of garbage.

How can I stop caring so much about what people think of me?

Self-consciousness is not a light switch that can be turned on and off at will. Releasing some of this care requires self-exploration into what others’ opinions mean to you and why they’re important, and hopefully coming to terms with the reality that they, in fact, don’t really matter at all.

Here are a few tips to help you care less about the opinions of others.

Get to know you

Step one in this self-discovery exercise involves getting to know yourself better. This may look like taking time to yourself to journal, speak with a therapist, go on long walks (without headphones), or meditate—any activity where you can be alone and quiet with your thoughts.

In other words, your desire to impress other people will dwindle as the strengths you see in yourself become more clear.

Spend time with your ‘safe’ people

While it’s important to challenge yourself by stepping out of your comfort zone, doing so can be emotionally draining. Make sure to balance new-people time with familiar-friend time so you don’t burn yourself out.

Think of people for whom you don’t feel the need to perform, with whom you can be your complete self, flaws and all. These are your “safe” people, and they’re a great source of recalibration when your social tank is full.

But also, embrace discomfort

When we try to adapt to the environments around us, we abandon ourselves by trying to assimilate into the behaviors and speech of others. This can seem comforting in the moment, as we all have a basic human need to feel wanted and accepted in a group, but the more we lean into what others expect us to do, the less secure we become with who we truly are, and vice versa.

No one wants to feel like an outsider, and I’m not advocating openly disagreeing with others’ comments or opinions. But instead of going along with what the pack does and what they believe, we may find solace in staying loyal to ourselves.

If this concept absolutely terrifies you for fear of embarrassing yourself in a group of new, like-minded people, that’s completely normal. Dip your toe in slowly before diving in to gauge your own personal comfort level with this slightly more bold gesture.

After interactions with new people, take your temperature using your social thermometer: How do you feel? How do you feel a few days after? Did the interaction leave you feeling energized and supported, or judged, dismissed, and exhausted? These small but powerful indicators can help you decide whether you want to spend time with these people in the future.

How does self-consciousness fit into eating disorder recovery?

In the throes of an eating disorder, we might feel convinced that everyone is paying close attention to our actions, what we eat, what we wear, what we look like, etc. It’s not our fault—the eating disorder has convinced us of this.

But a healthy mind has a fairly confident grasp that this is not true. A healthy mind also is quick to remind us that the people closest to us value us for so many other things that have nothing to do with our appearance. And eventually, we learn how to remind ourselves of this, too.