4 ways to support someone with an eating disorder
Eating disorders are complicated, sneaky, and tricky diseases. We can’t always explain them away or know what to expect in the course of treatment and recovery. It can be even more confusing for the support system of the person with an eating disorder, faced with questions like:
What should I say? What should I not say?
What can I do?
Where do I start?
From my experience as the person with the eating disorder, I can empathize with your apprehension about approaching such a delicate topic, but it’s when we’re in our most fragile and vulnerable states that we need you more than usual.
I/we also understand that it’s nearly impossible to fully grasp the intricacies and volatility of the disease (any disease) if you haven’t gone through it yourself.
Even though you may never understand what your loved one is experiencing, there are still ways to offer support. Keep reading for four ways to show up for someone with an eating disorder.
#1: Avoid comments (positive and negative) about their physical appearance
Whether your loved one looks like they’ve lost a concerning amount of weight, has gained weight, or their body has changed in any other way, it’s never appropriate or helpful to comment on how someone looks. (This is a general piece of advice for humanity, as well.)
Even a seemingly innocuous statement like, “You look good/healthy” can be hard to receive for someone with an eating disorder.
Oftentimes, their eating disorder translates looking good/healthy to mean having gained weight. This can be a catastrophic concept for someone in recovery and can set off a litany of destructive thoughts and behaviors.
You may feel like body-neutral statements keep you in the safe zone, but removing the focus on how a person “looks” altogether will help change the centuries-long, appearance-centered dialogue that causes body image issues to develop in the first place.
#2: Avoid comments about what they choose to eat
It’s also not helpful to study and comment on what someone is eating, regardless of whether they have a history of disordered eating.
Suggesting what you might consider to be healthier alternatives to certain foods is a futile exercise at any age. Usually, by the time we learn how to talk, we’re able to recognize what our bodies need and want, and we have the ability and the autonomy to ask for it.
For someone with disordered eating, this is particularly difficult. They may have a mental list of what they consider to be acceptable foods and unacceptable foods. Depending on their place in recovery, it may be dangerous for them to stray from the foods on their lists.
Instead…
#3: Ask how you can support
Eating disorders are a sensitive subject for many. Family members and friends might feel like they don’t want to step on toes by bringing up what they think could be an uncomfortable topic. But the only way to really know how to offer support is by asking.
You might find your loved one doesn’t want to talk about it. You might not get a helpful or positive response. You might feel like never bringing it up again. But keep bringing it up, keep asking, keep reminding them you want to support them.
Eating disorders work hard to isolate the sufferer, so we need as many people in our corner as possible.
#4: Keep the conversation window open
You may feel like you’re repeating yourself and maybe your words aren’t getting through, but you’re not, and they are.
Eating disorders want to keep the sick, sick. They’re fiercely resistant to any outside help, even from trained professionals. You might get pushback. You might hear, “You don’t understand.” And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this is true. You simply cannot understand the twists and turns of an eating disorder unless you’ve been through it yourself.
But this doesn’t mean you can’t continue to be a safe place for the sufferer.
You can also educate yourself by reading my blog posts on Recovery Writes, learning more about the different presentations of disordered eating, brushing up on the latest research about the disease, and finding other ways to get involved, like supporting legislation for expanded prevention, research, and treatment.
There are also support groups for you, too! Check out the Eating Disorder Foundation or do a quick Google search to see if there are family-and-friends support groups in your area.
If the tips above seem like a lot of hoop-jumping and conversation-topic-changing, that’s purposeful. Your loved one has a disease, one that has the power to consume them and possibly take their life.
Eating disorders are not something to take lightly or sweep under the rug. Ignoring them and pretending they’ll go away is unrealistic and dangerous. It’s a challenging journey for the sufferer and their families and friends, but it’s in these moments that your loved one needs you the most. Don’t be afraid to be present.
Pause & Prompt
How I prefer to be supported…
