Eating disorders and perfectionism
Perfectionism is the desire for one or all aspects of one’s life to be as perfect as possible. Quite often, this desire translates to the person’s body image and can lay the groundwork for eating issues.
Perfectionists tend to set high or even unattainable expectations for themselves, which may also extend to others. They’re prone to be self-critical and overly focused on how others perceive them, which can become debilitating enough to dissuade them from social interaction for fear of criticism or rejection.
As a recovering perfectionist, I wanted to dig a bit deeper into this personality characteristic that undoubtedly contributed to the evolution of my own eating disorder.
What are the types of perfectionism?
Ever averse to labels, I feel it’s important to identify the different manifestations of perfectionism to help uncover the possible causes.
Perfectionism can present in three main ways:
Self-oriented
Other-oriented
Socially prescribed
Self-oriented perfectionists tend to set high and unrealistic goals for themselves, while other-oriented perfectionists hold those around them to an exceptionally high standard.
Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when an individual feels pressure to be perfect and relies heavily on others’ opinions.
What causes perfectionism?
Perfectionism can stem from our own beliefs, thoughts, cultural norms, societal pressures, family dynamics, and more.
Early messages delivered to our brains can distort the reality of what the world expects from us and lead us to mold ourselves into what some external source wants us to be. Whereas without these messages, we’re able to explore and experiment with what our true selves desire.
But as with other forms of involuntary message absorption, like the media, it’s difficult to tune into our own inner dialogue and organically reveal what we truly want.
How to navigate perfectionism
Letting go of trying to be “perfect” can feel like letting go of a piece of your identity. Here are a few ways to work through those perfectionistic thoughts and tap into who you really are, leaving expectations behind.
Acknowledge — Notice when self-judgmental thoughts arise. Greet them by saying something like, “You don’t serve me today,” and then try to let them go.
Practice self-compassion — The more often you say nice things to yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to redirect your less-than-helpful thoughts and rewire your brain to treat yourself with kindness.
Try new things — Trying a new hobby or sport or activity plucks you from your comfortable environment and forces you to do something you’ve never done before. Doing so challenges your perfectionism by putting you in a situation where you’re likely to make a mistake. Address your hesitancy with questions like: What’s the worst that could happen? What are the chances of that thing actually happening? Which leads you to…
Don’t be afraid to fail — Contrary to what perfectionism may have drilled into your brain, failure is not the worst thing that can happen. I live by an old Coldplay quote, “If you never try, then you’ll never know.” I’ve come to learn that the worst thing I could do is never try. Even if I’m horrible at it or injure myself or end up hating whatever it is I tried, I applaud myself for shoving aside my perfectionism and allowing myself to be vulnerable with a challenge.
My earliest memories of perfectionism involved me keeping my childhood bedroom absolutely immaculate. In hindsight, I did this for fear of upsetting my parents and also, candidly, because I wanted to be seen as the “good child” compared to my two sisters.
My mom passed away when I was 19, and over time, I began to let go of some of these obsessions. I recognized that the reason I was engaging in these behaviors was because I was vying for her approval, attention, and love, not for reasons that had anything to do with my preferences or comfort. Now, as an adult, I still like to keep my living space as clean and clutter-free as possible, but I do it because it brings me joy, not for anyone else.
Pause & Prompt
How does your perfectionism show up?
